How crazy is the concept. You, Sir Isaac Newton, and your bike are going to a rally. You pack the bag, the camera, double check everything, jump on your bike and you’re off.

Wait, that’s wrong. You made sure you had cash, camera, and enough whitie-tighties to last the trip. The laws of physics are always with bikers, no need to check with Newton. The bike? Rode it last weekend, its fine.

Bull.

Every rally we attend, we see bikes on the side of the road. On hooks going god knows where. All makes and models. Every time we talk to the rider the tale starts the same: “I knew it was going, but…” Our neighbors at Sturgis, a family and their friends, accounted for 4 of the hundreds of thousands bikes in attendance. Every one of them broke at some point or another. One fried the clutch (“It was slipping a little when we left…), another the generator (The battery has been weak for a couple of months…), another had the turn signal module connectors catch fire (I thought I was just buying bad bulbs…), and finally, the pastie resistance, the last bike threw the drive belt (I just trimmed the frayed stuff off, I thought I was good for another 4 or 5 thousand miles…). They collectively spent nearly 3 thousand dollars having parts replaced that their bikes told them were bad. This group rode these machines in from Colorado! Every one of them claimed to do their own work. The bikes did their part and told them something was going bad. There was no reason for these bikes to break down at the rally. Ok, there was. Three reasons to be exact: the owner, the operator, and the mechanic.

Folks, fix your crap before you leave for the rally.  What is the point of going when you are spending time pacing in front of a shop waiting for your mount to be repaired in a strange shop by a strange wrench who is charging you 25% more because it is rally week? Wouldn’t that cash be better spent on the three B’s of biking (Booze, Bikes, and Babes) while you are burning hard earned vacation days? Do you want the best story of your trip to be the part about standing by the side of the road for hours waiting for help? I’m not going to mention the whole safety thing. We all know that bikers accept the danger and ride on. Why add to the mix?

Fix your crap a few weeks before you leave. Put a few hunnerd miles on it before you leave. Make sure its right. Spend your money on rally stuff. Show that you are a biker that respects the machine as much (or more) than the self.

And one more thing-even if you got a great deal on those LED’s (ugh), running lights, or fuel injected floor boards, wait till you get home to install them. Ship them home if there’s no room in the bags. No need to tempt fate, and nobody at the rally will know the difference.

Party on!

Thinking of bringing your kids to a motorcycle festival or rally? Take this short 10 true/false question test before you do:

1. My kids have seen both of their parents naked and understand what all the parts are for.

2. My preteen daughter owns pasties.

3. My children are fluent in profanity, and can substitute non-profane words for profane words on the fly.

4. I think that my children are O.K. seeing grown ups puking in trash cans on the street.

5. My children understand what a Milwaukee Vibrator is, can make the correlation between a Harley and its battery powered cousin in mom’s underwear drawer, and know what both are used for.

6. My preteen son has seen his mother wearing boy shorts and beer bottle labels on her nipples and was OK after.

7. I encourage my children to gawk at barely clothed ladies.

8. My children know that many male bikers refer to their ladies as “Bitch” and that it is not a bad thing.

9. If my son sees a woman wearing a t-shirt that says “I have the pussy so I make the rules” he would agree.

10. The whole reason I came to the rally was to have to leave early and put the kids to bed. 

If you answered any or all of 1-9 “true” maybe your children belong at the rally. Maybe they belong in foster care. If you answered number 10 true, maybe you should sell your bike.

Ok, Kat and I have raised a total of seven kids, but we are amazed at this trend. What are parents doing bringing their kids to rallies? Main street in Leesburg, FL or Sturgis SD, Duvall street in Key West, nearly everywhere we go. Kids ranging in age from 2 months to 15 years of age. Kids older than 15 might not be a problem at a rally (if you think they don’t know what is going on by this age you better think again), but why would you bring them? Do they not have grand parents to stay with?

Motorcycle rallies and festivals are normally adult oriented events. Often there are things going on there that are not suitable for the average child. In fact, most parents would ground their children if they caught them looking at some of the pictures posted on line that were taken at rallies.

Bikers with kids are required to be parents first. If they have no choice but to bring their children with them to the rally then they should take their vacation somewhere else, like Disney or the beach. You can make a hell of a family friendly vacation out of the time and money that going to a rally takes. Young kids don’t understand, fellow bikers do not want to be around kids at a rally, and there are no events for children on Main street. It is a PARENT’S responsibility to put the children first, and to keep them in a safe and wholesome environment. I cannot think of a single good reason to bring them along and do not want to be around anyone else’s rug rats while I am having a good time with my fellow bikers.

Leave ‘em home. Take them somewhere else. Don’t bring them to the rally. They don’t belong there.

Yet.

Party on!!!